My intense writing sample

Heeey! So, y'know how I told you that i was thinking about adding a little something to my writing sample that I wasn't going to reveal yet? Well, tralalalalaaa! I have decided that my character is going to get dehydrated and have a sun stroke while walking the Abel Tasman! Yeah...... here is what happens when she passes out...

Time passed as the day became longer and hotter. The muddy, footprint covered track became dusty,dry and sandy. Gorse bushes replaced the exotic, native trees and bushes. It became less shady. The sun was hot on their faces. 
They continued to walk. Sipping from their drink bottles while they walked, they passed a vast number of gorse bushes and dry trees. The Abel Tasman was becoming less attractive. No more bush. No more cooling shade. 
Yannah fumbled for her drink bottle in her pack. Her mouth was getting parched. Her lips were getting chapped. She grasped the  silver aluminium bottle and put the nozzle to her lips. A tiny drop escaped from the bottle and into her mouth. Then it was empty. 
Yannah swallowed the sandy, dry lump that was growing at the back of her throat. It scratched the back of her throat. The sun shone on them like a spotlight. No escaping.
"Gee, its hot!" Lily exclaimed, gulping down water from her bottle like a frog.
Suddenly, Yannah stopped. She closed her eyes, as the sun slapped her in the face once more. Searing pain was growing in her head. It started to penetrate her brain. It moved to her body. Her arms.her legs. her stomach.The feet.Her whole body. Her mouth was sandpape. Her lips were wrinkly and bleeding from when she licked them too much. The pain was unbearable. She was being possessed by the sun. She felt weak. She felt faint. Suddenly she fell. Her head hit the rock hard track. She passed out...........


INTENSE! :)